WASHINGTON, D.C. — June 2025
In a press conference that felt like a live reading of a spam folder, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. unveiled his long-awaited “MAHA Report” this week — the cornerstone policy document for his presidential campaign’s Make America Healthy Again initiative. The 97-page manifesto was meant to outline bold plans for national wellness.
Instead, it reads like ChatGPT tried to write a Whole Foods manifesto while having a mercury-induced fever dream.
Document Includes Bizarre Sections Like:
- “How to Reverse Aging with Sardine Meditation”
- “5G Towers and Their Vibrational Energy Misalignment”
- “Mandatory Cold Showers for Federal Workers”
- “Bananas: Are They Government-Controlled Sleep Pods?”
Multiple AI researchers and campaign staffers now believe the document was generated by a rogue GPT instance running on a discarded Tesla battery, possibly fine-tuned using Joe Rogan transcripts and Goop newsletters.
“I’ve seen AI hallucinations before,” said Dr. Hana Vellis, an OpenAI researcher. “But this document cited a study from The Journal of Spiritual Kettlebell Science. That journal doesn’t exist. I checked. Twice.”
Evidence of Prompt Tampering
A leaked campaign draft reveals the original prompt may have been:
“Write a detailed health policy report that sounds smart, includes words like mitochondrial, spike protein, ancestral, and maybe accuses clouds of psychological warfare — but make it bipartisan.”
Sources say the AI responded with 34 pages on “Vibrational Agriculture” and a graph showing how kale frequencies peaked during the Obama years.
“None of this is grounded in peer-reviewed science,” said one staffer, “but it is grounded in crystals. That’s literally page 12.”
Team Kennedy Denies AI Use, Blames Deep State
When asked directly whether AI was used in writing the report, RFK Jr. responded:
“No. Absolutely not. I dictated this entire report myself during a 14-hour ice bath. Any resemblance to machine-generated text is purely coincidental and probably the result of CIA mind fog. Also, I talk like ChatGPT. That’s different.”
He later added, “People say it’s AI. I say it’s ancestral intelligence. Look it up.”
Meanwhile, RFK’s tech advisor (a man named “Sunbeam” who reportedly runs a nootropics pyramid scheme from a yurt in Utah) claimed the document’s unusual tone was intentional.
“This isn’t just policy — it’s vibrational syntax. The FDA won’t understand it, but trees will.”
Public Response: Confused, But Intrigued
The public’s response to the MAHA report has ranged from “what the hell is this” to “actually, I have been wondering if kale is a form of mind control.”
One voter tweeted:
“RFK Jr. is either completely unhinged or 5 years ahead of all of us. I’m scared. But also… I just ate raw liver.”
Another said:
“This reads like someone tried to jailbreak GPT with kombucha.”
Even Elon Musk responded on X, posting:
“I respect the commitment to chaos. Would co-sign if he adds a Neuralink chakra alignment policy.”
Democrats and Republicans Unite Briefly to Laugh
In an unprecedented show of bipartisan unity, both Chuck Schumer and Mitch McConnell shared a laugh on Capitol Hill over the report. Schumer reportedly called it “the weirdest thing I’ve read since Marianne Williamson’s planetary tax plan,” while McConnell just muttered, “Back in my day, we feared Russia — not rosemary.”
BOTTOM LINE:
Whether it’s AI, RFK himself, or some combination of the two enhanced by deer antler spray, one thing is clear:
The MAHA Report is less of a policy platform and more of a hallucination with footnotes.
Coming soon: the audiobook, read entirely by RFK Jr. whispering in falsetto while surrounded by singing bowls.
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