Apple Announces “OS By Horoscope”—Just Pick a Number, Tim
CUPERTINO, CA — Apple finally got sick of counting. At WWDC, Tim Cook and Craig Federighi (hair still classified Top Secret) announced all future Apple OS names will be chosen the same way you pick your lottery numbers—randomly and with quiet desperation.
- This year’s update? Skip iOS 19–25 entirely, jump straight to iOS 26.
- Version numbers now correspond to “whatever year it isn’t, or maybe your therapist’s birthday, or possibly the next leap year—just update and pray.”
- When asked if users would be confused, Apple PR replied, “Our customers haven’t read a changelog since 2012, we’re not worried.”
All icons are now identical, every notification is a ‘critical update,’ and there’s a built-in setting called “It Just Works (Eventually).”
OnePlus Introduces the AI Button for When You’ve Truly Given Up
The new OnePlus 13s ships with a dedicated AI Plus Key—the world’s first button specifically designed for covering up your daily bad decisions.
- Accidentally texted your ex? Press Plus Key, AI writes your apology, forwards it to their new partner, and books you a therapy session.
- Missed your mother’s birthday? Press Plus Key, AI generates a photo of you as a child hugging her and posts it to Facebook.
- Regret buying this phone? Press Plus Key and AI files a warranty claim—on your dignity.
OnePlus says, “We want our users to experience what it’s like to live with an executive assistant, minus the tax fraud.” Early tests show the button mostly just launches TikTok.
Samsung’s New Folds: The Support Animal You Never Knew You Needed
Samsung’s Galaxy Z Fold7 and Z Flip7 are here, promising to fold more ways than your last breakup.
- Each new phone can now be folded into three positions: book, tent, and “why did I pay $2,000 for this?”
- One UI 8 arrives—if you can find it between all the preinstalled crypto mining apps.
Beta testers say the Fold7, when gently stroked, emits a soft, reassuring vibration and a notification reading “You’re doing your best.” Samsung denies rumors of an upcoming “Emotional Support Mode,” but insiders say the phone already listens better than most therapists.
Google Photos Turns 10, Wants You to Celebrate by Deleting Yourself
Google Photos, the cloud service that knows more about your life than your spouse, just turned ten. In classic Google fashion, they celebrated by giving the interface a facelift, adding three more AI features, and then threatening to delete your memories if you don’t buy more storage.
- New “AI Enhance” mode makes every picture look like it was taken in a dentist’s office.
- Share albums via QR codes, or just leave your phone unlocked at a party and let the chips fall where they may.
Ricoh Launches New Camera for Men Who Wear Cargo Shorts on Purpose
The Ricoh GR IV is here with 26MP, five-axis stabilization, and a focus system that (allegedly) works. There’s still no flash, because real photographers “embrace darkness, both literal and existential.”
53GB storage means you’ll have enough space for every out-of-focus picture of your cat. Ricoh says the GR III will end production soon, so start panicking now.
Bottom Line
- Apple: Names OS after lost years, just like you name exes you want to forget.
- OnePlus: The button you’ll press when you’ve lost control of your life (and phone).
- Samsung: Folds up smaller than your will to live during tax season.
- Google: Ten years, one billion photos, zero chance you’ll ever organize them.
- Ricoh: For people who think “RAW” means “real art wankery.”
Coming next: Android 17 will run exclusively on folding air fryers, and Apple’s iOS 27 ships with a complimentary therapist.
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