SILICON VALLEY, CA — The GPU wars just entered their “midlife crisis” era. Nvidia’s RTX Pro 6000 is here, and for just $10,000, you too can finally find out what financial regret sounds like at 600 watts.
Gamers React: “I Can’t Afford This Card, but at Least I Can Hear It”
Pro overclocker Roman “der8auer” Hartung declared the RTX Pro 6000 the “new gaming king,” after running Cyberpunk 2077 so smoothly his fridge started buffering. There’s just one catch: the card’s coil whine is so loud, it was recently named as the lead suspect in a rash of local car alarm break-ins.
“The fans ramped up so fast I thought my PC was calling for liftoff,” said der8auer, “and the coil whine could legally be classified as a cry for help.”
$10,000: Great for Deep Learning, Great for Deep Debt
Why spend ten grand on a graphics card? Nvidia’s answer: “Because we can.” And if you want to run the latest AI models like DeepSeek R1? Prepare to remortgage your house or start a crowdfunding campaign on GoFundCrime.
How many Pro 6000s do you need for DeepSeek R1?
- At least 6 cards for decent results—plus a financial advisor and probably a burner phone.
- At $60,000, you’ll have enough VRAM to train an LLM, simulate the universe, or, more realistically, get your wallet flagged by the FBI’s “Suspicious Nerd Activity” task force.
Crime Watch: New Hot Item on the Black Market
Police across the US are warning consumers about a spike in high-end GPU thefts. “These cards are disappearing faster than crypto profits in 2021,” said one detective. “Last week, someone tried to pay bail with a Pro 6000. Judge accepted.”
In New Jersey, a man was caught smuggling RTX Pro 6000s under his coat. His defense? “I thought they were gold bars.” For $10,000 each, honestly, so did the jury.
Honest Gaming Review
- Performance: 14% faster than a 5090, 100% more likely to trigger a divorce.
- Noise: Like a swarm of bees reciting pi.
- Price: For the same money, you could buy 250 used Wii consoles and build the world’s dumbest supercomputer.
Bottom Line
The RTX Pro 6000 is the “gaming king” for anyone whose hobbies include bankruptcy and tinnitus. If you’re planning to train DeepSeek R1 at home, you’ll need a half-dozen, a team of lawyers, and probably a safe room.
Coming soon: RTX Pro 6000 Ti—same price, now with complimentary earplugs and bail money.
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