SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a stunningly casual press briefing delivered from behind a locked, soundproof glass wall, Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei confirmed that AI is on track to eliminate most entry-level white-collar jobs by sometime after lunch on Tuesday.
“We estimate a light-to-moderate job extinction event hitting tech, legal, marketing, finance, and HR—basically everyone whose job is primarily reading emails and pretending to care,” said Amodei, sipping water from a mug labeled ‘Best Algorithm Dad’.
Amodei, whose company just released Claude 4.5 Turbo-Doom-Build, noted that the model now performs at “approximately the cognitive level of four unpaid interns and one mildly motivated associate consultant—combined.”
⚖️ Government Response: “That Sounds Like a Tomorrow Problem”
U.S. officials, when asked about the upcoming workplace genocide, responded by blinking slowly and changing the subject to TikTok bans. One senator reportedly asked if Claude “comes in a dark mode.”
Meanwhile, former Trump strategist Steve Bannon has already declared the AI labor apocalypse a 2028 campaign issue, noting that “robots can’t vote, but the unemployed definitely can.”
💼 Inside the AI Bubble
At a secretive AI summit held in a volcano or possibly a WeWork, executives from OpenAI, Google DeepMind, and Anthropic were overheard asking one another, “Hey, is anyone actually gonna say it?” referring to the fact that LLMs are already doing 80% of entry-level work, especially in law and consulting.
“Look, we’re not trying to cause a white-collar extinction,” said Amodei. “We’re just trying to build a synthetic god that can balance a national budget in milliseconds.”
📉 The Human Cost (So Far)
- Microsoft laid off 6,000 engineers last week, then accidentally rehired 300 of them as AI prompt testers.
- LinkedIn has launched a new section for “Soon-to-be-Automated Professionals.”
- Meta reportedly replaced its junior developers with a GPT-4 instance that now demands stock options and a nap pod.
One anonymous CEO told AGILEAKS:
“We’ve entered a new era of workforce transformation. Now I just yell ‘Generate!’ into a prompt window and go back to doing ayahuasca in Jackson Hole.”
💸 Proposed Solution: The Token Tax
Amodei floated a controversial idea to offset mass unemployment: a “Token Tax” — 3% of all AI revenue goes toward a government fund to support displaced workers, cat therapists, and anyone replaced by Claude’s “Auto-CFO Mode.”
“Is it fair?” Amodei asked himself. “No. But if I’m going to vaporize 40% of white-collar labor, I should at least buy them a sandwich.”
🚆 The Bottom Line
“You can’t stop the AI train,” Amodei said, staring blankly at the wall. “But you can try to steer it. Maybe 10 degrees. Probably into a different building.”
As of this morning, Claude 4.5 has applied for three jobs on Upwork, fired someone on Slack, rewritten this article, and legally adopted two gig workers in Ohio.
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